Redefining Lisa One Step at a Time

My journey to health and happiness

The Post I Have Been Dreading October 12, 2013

Filed under: Nutrisystem,Personal,Self-Discovery — redefininglisa @ 10:21 pm
Tags: , ,

So here it is….over a year since I have posted and a lot has happened. First and foremost, I fell off the weight loss wagon. I’ve gained all of my weight back and then some. I’m depressed, sad, embarrassed, disgusted, and overall just afraid. Afraid of failing again, afraid of having to live in this body forever, afraid of disappointing the people around me again, and afraid of disappointing myself.
I have realized a few things over this past year. One, I was much happier when I lost the weight. Two, I have a very screwed up body image of myself. I look in the mirror and see myself thinner than I really am, yet when I see photographs of myself, I am able to see how I really look. After I lost the near 80 pounds, I saw photos of myself and was disgusted. I still saw myself as morbidly obese even though I knew I wasn’t. I still saw every lump and bump that my body held on to and not how far I had come. So I gave up. Figured if I still looked this terrible, I might as well give in to the food and at least find my happiness in that. That’s when it happened, and in the course of a year, the weight was back on.
Food is an addiction. It’s my drug. Yet if someone is an alcoholic or a drug addict, they simply have to stop all contact with that drug. I cannot. People with food addictions cannot. It is just as dangerous and just as slow of a death as any other drug, yet is is not seen as this to the outside world. If it was, there would be many more support groups for food addicts in the world.
I’m going to try again. I want the old Lisa back, I want to be happy, feel good, make people proud of me. I even went as far as starting doctor appointments for gastric bypass surgery, but realized that was not the answer. That is a quick fix, but if you are not dealing with the addiction, the weight will come back again.
I am starting Nutrisystem again, and I made an appointment with a therapist to help me with the mental part of conquering this addiction. I am asking for prayers if you are a praying person, positive thoughts, and understanding as I once again begin this journey into redefining who I am and who I am meant to be.
I am still a middle school principal with two teenagers and a husband all of whom I love more than life itself. I am also in my second year of doctorate school and working on classes and writing my dissertation. My life is busy. It is full. It is very stressful. I am overwhelmed and find myself simply shutting down when I have free time instead of walking, or eating healthy. The easy way out is just that, easy. But it is not making me happy. I want happy. I need happy. I miss happy.
So here I go again. Trying my best to overcome this addiction while still needing food in my life. I’m scared, but I’m ready. It’s time.


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